If you thought last week’s match-up was exciting, get ready! Mike sets a single-episode scoring record, but will it be enough? Don’t just sit there, read the post to find out!
I kind of want Breaking Bad to just destroy all the tension by having Jesse say, “Boy, Mike, you were right! I’m gonna move to another state and live happily ever after so I’ll never be forced to murder someone at the behest of my power-hungry mentor and business partner!” Then he moves to California and starts “Jesse Pinkman: Fun Hangout Times” and then Walt turns himself into the cops and we never find out what happens with the ricin in the electrical outlet.
Badassery: Not much of a badass this week, or much of anything this week, really. Outside of two scenes at the beginning, Jesse didn’t even show up. 0 POINTS
Humor: He didn’t really do much here either, but someone on the internet made a hilarious joke about Jesse being afraid he poisoned the Roomba with the ricin. Also, “The Crystal Ship” 2 POINTS
Morality: When Jesse found the ricin cigarette Walt planted in the Roomba, he broke down in tears and apologized to Walt. It’s a bummer to see him get sucked even deeper into Walt’s control, but the kid’s got heart. He’s like Rudy, except he makes crystal meth instead of playing football for Notre Dame. 3 POINTS
Intelligence: He’s smart enough not to buy Walt’s explanation that the ricin cigarette fell out of his jacket, or whatever, but not smart enough to see through the Roomba gambit. 1 POINT
Kill Count: Still nothing, thank Jeebus. 0 POINTS
Total Points: 6
Say it with me: DAAAMN, that was cool. It’s a good thing this was a Mike-centric episode, because the rest of my team really screwed me over by not even being in the show. Thankfully, Mike picked up the slack and then some with a level of badass that sixty year-old men should not be able to attain. If this were a real sports league and not a fantasy league about a fictional show, Mike would hold up one of his many scenes from this episode in front of Walt and say “How do you like them apples?!” and then shoot him in the face. King Kong ain’t got SHIT on Mike.
Badassery: Man, I have a hard time seeing someone be this badass again until maybe the season finale. Between the interrogation scene, his encounter at Chow’s house, and the penultimate scene where he said “Nobody’s gonna find you, Lydia,” Mike really had a monopoly on Badass tonight. I probably would have given him a full 10/10 if he had iced Lydia and avoided going into business with Walt. While I get that he did it out of necessity, it’s not exactly cool to see someone acquiesce to their nemesis, like that episode of “Louie” where Louis CK humiliates himself to avoid getting into a fight and his date gets turned off. 9 POINTS
Humor: Boy, Mike was really killing tonight… with LAUGHTER! (Ed. note: Don’t do that) It’s too bad there isn’t a category for lines that are funny and badass at the same time or he could score double points with lines like “Drink your hot water,” or pretty much anything in the interrogation scene. He sure made that Lydia look like a big dummy (and then he almost murdered her)! 4 POINTS
Intelligence: While Walt has the market cornered on book smarts, Mike is like fucking Einstein when it comes to “Know How To Run An Efficient Criminal Organization” smarts, or whatever shorter name you want to call it. Between his advice to Lydia and his handling of the interrogation, Mike really puts the know-how in the “Know How To Run An Efficient Criminal Organization” handbook. Plus, he remains the sole character who can see the ruin Walt is dragging everyone into. 5 POINTS
Morality: Mike is probably the nicest dude to have ever murdered a bunch of people. Plus he doesn’t shoot Lydia to death while her daughter goes to sleep, the big softie! 4 POINTS
Kill Count: Only one this time, but it coulda been eleven. 1 POINT
Total points: 23
Skyler is not my favorite character (or even one of my five favorite characters), but it’s kind of hard to hate her when she has to deal with her husband-turned-gangster and his come-ons that probably qualify as sexual assault.
Badassery: Nothing here, unless you count sinking into depression and avoiding going into work as “badass.” 0 POINTS
Humor: I almost feel like this should get negative points for how creepy it was to see her in bed with Walt. 0 POINTS
Morality: She hates what Walt has become, but she can’t do anything about it. Ha! Haha! This is a fucking bummer! 1 POINT
Intelligence: Besides Mike, she’s the only one who can see through Walt’s Heisenberg facade. Too bad there’s a decent chance she’ll wind up dying because of him. 1 POINT
Kill Count: The ricin’s in the electrical outlet, Skyler. It sure would be a shame if someone poured it into Walt’s coffee… But for now, 0 POINTS
Total points: 2
Man, Marie was on fire tonight. Remember when she hooked up the toy to the door to confuse the hitman? That was so bad–Oh, wait, that was Mike. What did Marie do? Literally nothing, you say? Fantastic! If this were a real sports team instead of a fantasy one, she’d get spit on by fans. Step your game up, Marie, or your getting busted down to the minor leagues.
Badassery: Not unless sitting out an episode to buy more purple colored home appliances is badass. 0 POINTS
Humor: It was funny when she, uh… 0 POINTS
Morality: She’s not even a good person when she does bother showing up. 0 POINTS
Intelligence: They’re minerals, Marie, not rocks. How many times do we have to tell you? 0 POINTS
Kill Count: Theoretically very high if she would bother showing up. 0 POINTS
Total points: 0
Are you trying to make me look like a chump, Beneke? You think that’s funny? I drafted you when everyone else had counted you out and you proved everyone wrong last week when you showed up to score major points in Badassery, and now you’re just gonna quit? Is that how it is? You know what, you should have died on that kitchen floor. What kind of chump trips on a rug, anyways? Pathetic.
Badassery: Given that barely avoiding death was the most badass thing you ever did, I don’t think we’ll be seeing you in this category ever again. 0 POINTS
Humor: You know what’s funny? Your ugly face! 1 POINTS
Morality: You better become a born-again Christian or something and score 10/10 every week here to make up for your and Marie’s mutually terrible performances this week. 0 POINTS
Intelligence: Boy, it was really smart when you almost got caught by the IRS and had to rely on Skyler to get you out, ya big dumbie. 0 POINTS
Kill Count: You should probably just off yourself to at least score something. 0 POINTS
Total points: 1
Bench: They followed Marie and Beneke’s lead and sat this one out. Hopefully the Cartel becomes a player or again or this is going to be a rough season for the Fightin’ Meth-Heads.
Los Pollos Hermanos
Walt’s getting the gang back together! Instead of stopping while he’s ahead (or at least still alive), he’s doubling down and bringing Jesse and Mike along for the ride. Is it because he’s broke? Is it because he’s fatally addicted to the feeling of power he never experienced as an emasculated schoolteacher-cum-carwasher? Or is it simply because he loves hangin’ out with his buddies, just cookin’ meth and poisonin’ children and havin’ a good time? Seems to me like this is just a case of a man who’s trying to convince his friends to keep getting together for poker night, except instead of once a week it’s every night and also “poker” is code for “making meth.” It’s practically the premise of a Jimmy Buffet song! Really looking forward to watching these guys joke around and enjoy the breezy fun of running a large scale meth outfit. Nothing but smooth sailing ahead, fellas!
Badassery: He wasn’t spitting hot fire like last week, but you could still see the clear outline of a persistent murderboner bulging in his Dockers. Instead of begging Mike to come back into the fold, he left the meeting confident that Mr. Ememememanaurrntraut would come around. And when he did come around, Walt replied with a simple, dispassionate “good” before hanging up, gazing at some of the common houseplants on his windowsill, and deciding which one of those plants to murder Mike with at the end of the season. 3 POINTS
Humor: Sadly, Walt will not be tossing any giant pizzas onto the roof this season. He’s too busy feeling TOTALLY IN CONTROL, BRO. 0 POINTS
Morality: He made Jesse cry. 😦 0 POINTS
Intelligence: Jesse is not exactly hard to manipulate, but still, Walt’s scheme to assuage any lingering suspicions he may have had over the whole ricin cig debacle was pretty smart. And the execution was flawless, too. He went through the motions of searching every nook and cranny and did a convincing job of matching Jesse’s frustration. Then, he pretended not to know what a Roomba is before casually suggesting Jesse look inside. And lo and behold, it just so happened to be there. It’s like the old saying goes: “The ricin-filled cigarette is always in the last place you look, especially if the last place you look is inside a Roomba.” Now, whether it was the smartest idea to stick that ricin behind the electrical outlet remains to be seen, but for now, it’s a solid showing. 5 POINTS
Kill Count: Only thing he’s killed so far this season is any chemistry he may have once had with his wife. Yikes/yuck. 0 POINTS
Total points: 8
Hobblin’ Hank is hot on Heisenberg’s trail. But does he have any idea that Walt is Heisenberg? I figure the Madrigal connection will have Hank sniffing around Germany for an actual guy named Heisenberg, but all he’ll end up smelling is limburger and wiener schnitzel.
Badassery: He and ol’ Burrito Breath Gomez really know how to run a tag team in the interrogation room. It’s not so much Good Cop/Bad Cop as Snarky Cop/Snarkier Cop: Gomez zings ‘em, then Hank REALLY zings ‘em, then Hank zings Gomez, and then right as the guy is about to leave, Hank burns ‘em good with a startling revelation that ties ‘em to the crimes in question. Anybody who can catch a thoroughly prepared motherfucker like Mike off-guard definitely deserves some B.A. cred. 3 POINTS
Humor: We still haven’t seen Hank in full-on fratboy mode this season, and in fact we may never see him quite so jovial and/or douchey again. But we did learn that his hilarious casual racism even extends to those dirty Kaiser-lovin’ Krauts, who gassed our boys down in the trenches during the Great War. 2 POINTS
Morality: He’s gone from being a vapid macho hotshot to being the strongest force for good on the show. 4 POINTS
Sam Elliot: “I had Fring over for the 4th of July. We laughed, ate, told stories. He taught me how to grill using little foil packets. I gave him one of my signature back rubs. Then we played catch in the backyard and talked about maybe renting a lake house together. He really felt like a friend. No, closer than that. Like a brother-in-law. A really intelligent, wealthy, seemingly harmless brother-in-law. Who wore glasses. And then… he turned out to be a major drug kingpin. How could I not see it?”
Hank: [furrows brow] “Hmmmm…. Kinda reminds me of my brother-in-law… HAW HAW WOULDN’T THAT BE SOMETHIN’?” 3 POINTS
Kill Count: Hank was practically drooling at the meeting with Madrigal as he fantasized about killing each and every one of those Kraut bastards and dipping their fried scalps in some “Franch” or some “Cajun Kick-Ass” or perhaps some “Essentially Just Ketchup.” Alas, no actual kills. 0 POINTS
Total points: 12
Badassery: Again, nice suit, but not nice enough to register any points here. 0 POINTS
Humor: Didn’t have many memorable one-liners, but he gets a point just for being Saul. Saul’s great, you guys. 1 POINT
Morality: Walt is becoming so evil that Saul looks like a gosh darn choir boy in comparison. But he’s still pretty much a scumbag, right? 0 POINTS
Intelligence: With his suggestion that Walt maybe shouldn’t dive right back into the Olympic-sized pool of fuck from which he just barely escaped, Saul is once again the gang’s greasy voice of reason. But if Walt’s start-up starts bringing in cash, I suspect he’ll be right back on board. 2 POINTS
Kill Count: Still no sign of poor, uninsured Huell. I’m suspicious, but not ready to give Saul a point just yet. 0 POINTS
Total points: 3
YESSS!!! Mr. Breakfast is BACK!!! Flynn had only one scene, but he absolutely CRUSHED IT by doing the thing he does best: EATING BREAKFAST!!! I don’t know about you, but when I saw him sitting at a table festooned with such majestic breakfastry, I went CRAZY. Rarely do we get to see a man so thoroughly in his element. For one shining scene, Flynn was a King, and the balanced breakfast set before him was his court. And O, King Flynn did rule over his edible subjects with an iron spoon.
Badassery: Raisin Bran Crunch has two scoops of KICKASS in every bowl! 1 POINT
Humor: NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT EATING BREAKFAST. THAT’S SOME SERIOUS SHIT. 0 POINTS
Morality: Was polite enough to say he had enough breakfast, when we all know Flynn CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MOTHERFUCKIN’ BREAKFAST! 5 POINTS
Intelligence: Was smart enough to know that breakfast is the MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY! 1 POINT
Kill Count: I really want to give him at least 10 points for all the innocent raisins he annihilated with his mandible of doom, but unfortunately we’re only counting humans here. 0 POINTS
Total points: 7
He’s back to playing second banana (or as they say en espanol: segundo banana) to Hobblin’ Hank, and I suspect he wouldn’t have it any other way. He always seemed a little uncomfortable taking the lead when Hank was laid up. And I’m glad, too: more interrogation scenes like that, and Gomie will be leading the league in assists in no time.
Badassery: That goatee is looking pretty fierce. 1 POINT
Humor: Got in a few choice zingers whilst interrogating Mike. 1 POINT
Morality: On second thought, that goatee is looking a little TOO fierce. But until I see proof that Gomez was in fact kidnapped and replaced by his evil twin, I have to assume he’s faithfully doing the best he can to bring criminals to justice. 2 POINTS
Intelligence: I thought Gomez was a pretty smart guy but if he really thought Mike’s granddaughter was Fring’s muscle, he must be a reeeeal dum-dum! Seriously: think it through, Burrito Breath! She’s ten years old! A-DOY!!! 0 POINTS
Kill Count: Gomez is much more likely to have his head end up superglued to the shell of an exploding turtle than to actually kill anybody himself. 0 POINTS
Total points: 4
BENCH: Still waiting on Todd, my ace in the hole, to show up and do whatever it is he’s supposed to do, which is hopefully kill people. Huell and Badger are on the injured list with sausage fingers and severe munchies, respectively.
Fightin’ Meth-Heads: 32
Los Pollos Hermanos: 34
Another close game, but this time Alex comes out on top and ties the season record at 1 apiece. Despite Mike’s monster episode, Los Pollos Hermanos had more scoring from its role players, and it’s that depth that made all the difference.
WAIVER WIRE: In the first transaction of the season, Lou has dropped Wendy and added Lydia, who is not dead and figures to play a significant role as Walt’s methylamine supplier. This should help bolster a team that, beyond Jesse and Mike, has very few reliable scorers. Alex, meanwhile, has decided to stand pat, though he was tempted to pick up Mike’s granddaughter in hopes that her Hungry Hungry Hippos skill would translate to a significant kill count.