Domestic drama! Fast cars! Mashed potatoes! This week sure had it all. Will the Fightin’ Meth-Heads come out ahead with Skyler’s chilling declaration to Walt or will Los Pollos Hermanos win with Walt, Jr.’s hilarious reaction to his bacon being stolen? Read to find out!
Los Pollos Hemanos
Remember how Skyler used to be an aspiring writer? Well, she went all Virginia Woolf on Walt’s ass, and it led to one of the most intense chessboxing bouts this show has seen. Skyler would move a piece; Walt would counter with a jab. Skyler would go for a few body blows; Walt would take her queen. And while Walt managed get Skyler up against the ropes, Skyler ultimately got the checkmate by droppin’ an ice cold C-bomb. For the first time all season, Walt wasn’t able to solve a problem just by saying it was solved. And this is one problem that he probably won’t be able to blow up.
Badassery: I’m worried, you guys. I’m worried that Walt’s creepiness and hubrisness and general awfulness is going to detract from any of the genuinely badass things he may do in the future. When he found the old Heisenberg hat in the back of the Aztek, I was expecting some old school blowin-up-some-asshole’s-car type shit to go down. But instead, he listened to some dubstep and had a lousy birthday party. Seriously, who else was Skyler supposed to invite? Hank and Marie are pretty much the only people in Walt’s non-criminal social circle. Anyway, Walt’s badassery is starting to give way to nothing more than mere assery. When he gave his little speech about keeping the methylamine flowing, he thought he was talking like some kinda wise, respected mafia don, but instead he sounded like a fucked-up gangsta fortune cookie. I feel like he might need to regain a sliver of humanity (or at least self-awareness) for anything he does from here on out to be truly badass. 2 POINTS
Humor: What Walt’s car shopping spree lacked in badassery, it more than made up for in hilarity. What a goober. I also liked the way he said “Ratatouille.” 3 POINTS
Morality: Jesse got his pal Walt a nice watch for his birthday. Walt used that watch as a rhetorical device to try and convince his terrified wife that his murderous tendencies would not put her in danger. I hope he at least sends Jesse a thank you card. 0 POINTS
Intelligence: He took advantage of the very attractive lease rates available at his local Doge-Chrysler dealership. Sure, he may ultimately attract some suspicion, but hey, if you’re gonna splurge on flashy cars when you should probably lay low, you might as well do it sensibly! 4 POINTS
Kill Count: Walt technically saved Skyler’s life, but she was probably bluffing, so no penalty. 0 POINTS
Total points: 9
Wuh-oh. Hank’s being taken off the day-to-day on the Fring case. This will certainly save him money on yarn, but that big board may have a Walt-shaped empty space on it for a while. Some have theorized that a higher-up mole in the DEA is pulling some strings, but… no, yeah, that sounds like a pretty solid theory. As a result of his promotion, he’s now closer to busting Flynn for speeding than he is to busing Walt for cooking and selling massive amounts of crystal meth.
Badassery: Honestly, the very fact that we got to see Hank of old so soon after he reached a spiritual rock bottom (sorry, mineral bottom) is pretty badass. 3 POINTS
Humor: Hank’s Rankin-Bass-inspired casual racism (“Burgermeister Meisterburger”) was topped only by his great reaction to Skyler’s Cameron Frye stunt (“Pool Party!”) and his Burns and Allen-esque banter with Marie. 6 POINTS
Morality: Hank’s doing a pretty good job as a DEA agent, but he’s doing an even better job as a brother-in-law. Lame parties, lamer suicide attempts… how does he have the stamina for this stuff? 5 POINTS
Intelligence: I can tell Hank’s been watching The Mentalist because he totally noticed that Lydia’s shoes weren’t matching. And after being reminded of Walt’s 2nd cell phone, he’s only a Psych marathon away from catching Heisenberg. 5 POINTS
Kill Count: No kills, no frills. 0 POINTS
TOTAL: 19 POINTS
Total points: 0
Flynn was on fire this week. First of all, he ate like six goddamn breakfasts and at least two dinners. Then he traded his PT Cruiser for a fancy red Dodge Challenger. Hopefully he doesn’t die trying to do donuts in it! (I wonder if he thought his dad meant the kind of donut you eat for breakfast? No wonder he was so excited!)
Badassery: That knowing chuckle when the mechanic said that nothing beats free. That Walt-like manipulation of Skyler, forcing her to do that cute bacon thing for his dad’s birthday. Is Flynn about to break bad? Here’s another clue: he watched Ratatouille, which is basically a training manual for aspiring meth cooks, except for a few minor details here and there. HE’S NEVER GONNA SLOW DOWN. YOLO. 4 POINTS
Humor: If you thought Skyler’s confession that she was waiting for Walt’s cancer to come back was devastating, you probably missed the heart-wrenching scene in which she dared to keep Flynn from enjoying a complete breakfast. When she stole a piece of bacon from his plate, it was like he was scooping out his heart with a grapefruit spoon and — even worse — eating the grapefruit. 5 POINTS
Morality: Seriously though, I’m starting to wonder if Flynn would want in if he ever found out about his dad’s operation. He’s at that age where he might jump at the chance at acting out a gangster flick. But for now, he’s still pretty spotless, morally. 2 POINTS
Intelligence: Prescient enough to leave Walt’s pity party before it turned into a depression carnival with the world’s saddest dunk tank. 3 POINT
Kill Count: And I’m also seriously concerned that Flynn is gonna kill himself in that death trap of a car. 0 POINTS
Total points: 14
Dammit, Todd! You tease! You finally show up last week, only to totally disappear this week. Maybe I’m just impatient, but look, there’s only 4 episodes left this year. Todd’s gotta make a big move, and he’s gotta make it quickly.
Intelligence: Probably disabled another nannycam in the new cook house! 1 POINT
Total points: 1
Bench: Only bench player to show up was Gomez, who just sat there and groomed his beard the whole time.
The Fightin’ Meth-Heads
Silly Jesse, always trying to argue his business partners out of murdering someone. Season three, he didn’t want Walt to murder Gale; season four, he didn’t want Walt to murder Gus; and in season five, he doesn’t want Mike to kill Lydia. It’s like, what is he, a sane human being? Ha! Ha! Jesse is silly. Don’t go into the drug business if you don’t want to murder a bunch of people, dogg! What’s that? You wanted to quit the drug biz but were manipulated into continuing by Walt? Well, boo-hoo! We can’t all get what we want, Jesse, even if what we want is to not murder people.
Badassery: Ready to drive a truck for nine hours like he doesn’t even give a fuck. 2 POINT
Humor: Doing other people’s chores and buying them gifts is nice, but not really funny. Maybe if he had said, “Here’s a watch, BITCH!” 0 POINTS
Morality: Man, how fucking psyched was he when he gave Walt that watch? I don’t get that excited even RECEIVING gifts. Also, blah blah blah, he tried to keep Mike from indiscriminately killing people. Whatever. 6 POINTS
Intelligence: Getting tricked by Lydia “Banjo-Eyes” isn’t, like, the smartest thing anyone has ever done. 0 POINTS
Kill Count: He actually PREVENTED someone from being murdered. -1 POINT
Total points: 7
Remember last week when Mike’s whole mantra was making people whole and paying them enough money not to blab? Not no more! Now it’s all about leaving people in ditches. He gave Lydia a pass and now she’s screwing them to save her own skin. As the boss, Mike’s gotta drive the line somewhere and this case, the line is made of chalk and it will be around Lydia’s decomposing body.
Badassery: Major points for just announcing that he’s gonna murder someone, minus one for not actually doing it. 4 POINTS
Humor: “That’s what I get for being sexist.” 7 POINTS
Morality: Fighting sexism in the workplace. 4 POINTS
Intelligence: Quickly realized Lydia was lying to them and made the decision to shoot her in the face. That’s the kind of leadership America needs right now. 4 POINTS
Kill Count: Damn you, Lydia, that’s two times you’ve robbed Mike of a kill point. 0 POINTS
Total points: 19
Well, that was rough. Skyler should probably go to a women’s shelter or something. Like, a women’s shelter that’s for people married to Scarface-esque drug kingpins. Like, a women’s shelter for people who were once happily married before their husband began making meth and murdering people. Like, a women’s shelter for people who try to kill themselves in front of their whole family as a last ditch attempt to escape the misery his megalomania has put you in. You know, one of those.
Badassery: “Wait for the cancer to come back.” *guitar riff* 4 POINTS
Humor: I was gonna say Skyler was a huge bummer this week, but then i remembered when she took Walt, Jr.’s bacon. 1 POINT
Morality: Way to try and get the kids out of the house, Skyler. Too bad it didn’t work/Walt is terrifying. 4 POINTS
Intelligence: Trying to send Walt, Jr. to boarding school was a smart move, even if Walt swatted it down. 3 POINTS
Kill Count: Just shoot him in the face, Skyler, I mean, damn. 0 POINTS
Total points: 12
Man, so it didn’t take Marie long to spill Skyler’s secret, huh? I’m kind of amazed Hank still doesn’t know that Walt has been paying for his physical therapy yet. If Skyler had those kind of secret keeping skills, she’d have told Hank all about Walt’s meth business, probably by saying things like “So, Walt’s doing really well his *cough* BlueMethBusinessThatHeRunsWithJessePinkman *cough* chemo.” I like Marie, but I kind of hope she stays on the sidelines to avoid being murdered by Walt after she reveals all his secrets or something.
Badassery: Marie looks like she has avian bone syndrome, so she should probably stay from trying to be cool. 0 POINTS
Humor: Marie won’t spill any of your secrets unless she is talking to someone else. But then she’ll lock her mouth and throw away the key, so THERE. 4 POINTS
Intelligence: She didn’t do much this episode, but she’d probably be solid on a sudoku if you gave her one. 0 POINTS
Morality: Taking care of her little sister like a pro. Or her big sister. Which one of them is older? And why do they look so different? Man, I bet they’re not even related. Anyways, she’s got a lot of heart, like Rudy if Rudy was a kleptomaniac instead of a scrappy Notre Dame student. 5 POINTS
Kill Count: She slayed those potatoes! But, no. 0 POINTS
Total points: 9
Skinny Pete taught us a valuable lesson: don’t assume people will be in the next episode just because they played some kickass piano in the previous one. I was going to start Lydia, but was worried that she might be a background character for the remainder of the season. Pete and Badger are gonna show up again, maybe helping Jesse take on Walt, but for now they’ll just wallow in the background. I’ll probably start Lydia next week, so if Pete shows up and kills someone, I’m gonna be pissed.
Badassery: Hey, weren’t he and Badger all into that twelve step program? Whatever happened with that? 0 POINTS
Humor: Also, do they still hang out with Jesse? 0 POINTS
Intelligence: Because if they fell off the wagon, I don’t think they should be hanging out with Jesse. 0 POINTS
Morality: I mean, Jesse started using again after he murdered Gale, but Gus and Mike helped him out of that. 0 POINTS
Kill Count: But then Jesse helped Walt kill Gus… Fuck. Don’t do drugs, Jesse! 0 POINTS
Total points: 0
Bench: The bench actually made a strong showing this week. Lydia was killing it this week in humor with her pillow-screams and 21 Jump Street references, Cancer made an appearance to remind everyone how much it’s going to fuck things up later in the season, and Beneke… Well, Beneke didn’t do shit.
The Fightin’ Meth-Heads: 47
Los Pollos Hermanos: 43
Another close one, but the Fightin’ Meth-Heads come out on top. They’re 3-1 so far despite a shallow bench, but we’ll see what Walt has hidden under that hat of his.