As we head into the final stretch of season five, part one, things heat up. This week we saw the fallout from Dirt-bike Kid’s death, specifically Todd’s total lack of remorse for shooting Dirt-bike Kid to death. Hey, does Todd remind anyone else of the mentally challenged Matt Damon from “Team America: World Police”? He’s just like that, except he shoots kids to death.
The Fightin’ Meth Heads
If I’m being totally honest with y’all, I really wanted Jesse to die back in season three. His working relationship with Walt had blown up after Walt basically fired him for being a shithead drug addict who couldn’t be relied on for even the smallest of tasks. Then Jesse tried to start his own meth business and, after proving he would certainly get caught by the police and/or DEA, told Walt he’d rat him out if he ever got arrested. Walt was given two choices: murder Jesse or convince Gus that Jesse was somehow a better lab partner than the reliable and intelligent Gale. If Walt had just let Jesse get killed by those two drug dealers, he could have kept working for Gus for basically forever and made millions upon millions of dollars. Instead he put everything on the line for Jesse, which somehow led to Walt becoming a sociopathic murderer asshole and to Jesse becoming a responsible, smart, and kind individual. Boy, life sure is funny sometimes, at least in the sense that Jesse’s friendships with Walt and Mike have become major liabilities that will probably get him killed. Haha! Funny.
Badassery: Yo, someone smart once said “the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing.” Ain’t nothing sissy about leaving behind 300 FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS so no more people get hurt. Also, he punched Todd right in his weasel face. Fuck you, Todd. 2 POINTS
Humor: Jesse trying to make conversation at the dinner table was hilarious, but what really told it was his sincere and total relief when Walt said the kids weren’t home. 9 POINTS
Morality: Need I mention the 300 FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS he’s leaving behind again? 6 POINTS
Intelligence: You don’t have to be Hercule Poirot to know Walt was lying when he said he was broken up over Dirt-bike Kid’s death, but I’m pretty sure Season 2 Jesse would not have put that together. 2 POINTS
Kill Count: Really can’t emphasize this enough: for the sake of Jesse’s soul, I really hope he doesn’t have to kill anyone. 0 POINTS
Total points: 19
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if Mike is being nice or if Mike is being pragmatic, but, either way, he looks like a saint compared to Walt and he’s practically Jesus Christ himself when compared to Todd. Not only is Todd a remorseless killer (he seemed more upset that they were mad at him than because he murdered a child), but he doesn’t even practice good crime-business. Dirt-bike Kid probably could have been waved off with some bullshit about train inspections, but a dead kid is major news. Mike’s gettin’ while the gettin’s good, or he would be if Walt didn’t desperately want to make drugs instead of getting an easy five million dollars.
Badassery: Don’t bring a gun to a job without telling Mike or he’ll be real mad. Anyone else think about how they are trying to intimidate Todd but don’t realize he’s a total fucking psycho who won’t be intimidated? I’m calling it: Todd is gonna kill Mike. 3 POINTS
Humor: “Like it’s my birthday.” 4 POINTS
Morality: Mike didn’t seem terribly broken up by Dirt-bike Kid’s death, but at least he wasn’t downright gleeful like Walt. 2 POINTS
Intelligence: Why would you leave Walt alone, I mean, DAMN. 0 POINTS
Kill Count: Mike didn’t kill anyone, but he did hurt Gomez’s feelings. 0 POINTS
Total points: 9
Walt spent last season slowly heating up to a raging murder-boil, but Skyler seems to have taken the opposite track this season. Instead of her rage growing and growing, she’s just shutting down more and more. She came, like, this close to throwing it all away and confessing to Marie that she helps Walt launder money for his massive drug-dealing operation, but was thwarted at the last second by Marie’s jibber-jabber. Given that Walt is living under an assumed name sometime during the next year, it wouldn’t be a shocker if Skyler confessed everything to Hank and Marie. She could confess to Walt, Jr. too, but there’s like a 50/50 chance he’d call her a bitch and then go live with Walt.
Badassery: She didn’t rob no trains, but it was pretty cool when she fake-asked to be excused while dumping wine into her cup. And by “cool”, I mean “depressing”. 0 POINTS
Humor: Skyler’s face when Marie talked about how good it felt to get Ted off her chest (no pun intended) was pretty solid, especially given that she was crying only moments earlier. 2 POINTS
Morality: Hey, remember how Skyler feels like she’s failed as a parent because she helped Walt, but Walt feels like he’s succeeding as a drug kingpin because he abandoned his family? 5 POINTS
Intelligence: Skyler’s kind of screwed and has no way out, like that Kevin Costner movie where he has no way out. You know, “Dances with Wolves”. 0 POINTS
Kill Count: Yo, I’m putting ten REAL dollars on one of the Whites killing the other one. 0 POINTS
Total points: 7
My opinion of Marie has really grown in recent seasons as she’s evolved beyond the “passive-aggressive sister” archetype. Now, instead of buying (stealing) Skyler worthless baby tiaras, she’s supporting her older or possibly younger sister through traumatic times. True, she’s doing kind of a bad job of it, but only because she doesn’t know the real reasons Skyler is upset. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to fixing it, Skyler, even if your problem is that your husband murders people and makes drugs for a living.
Badassery: Whoa, did she just say she’s gonna strangle Flynn?! 3 POINTS
Humor: Marie started trying to get Skyler to confide in her but wound up confiding in Skyler. In a funny way! 3 POINTS
Morality: Betsy Brandt tweeted at me! 5 POINTS
Intelligence: She got a little too involved with confessing her knowledge of Skyler’s affair to pick up on the fact that Skyler wasn’t going to confess to the affair. 0 POINTS
Kill Count: Walt, Jr. better tone it down if he doesn’t want to get throttled by Marie. 0 POINTS
Total points: 11
Ol’ Banjo-Eyes wasn’t in the show this week. Hopefully Mike didn’t pull out his pistol and shoot her in the head.
Total points: 0
Bench: No showing from the bench this week. Remember how I drafted the Cartel? Hahaha!
Los Pollos Hermanos:
And so, Walt once again finds himself backed into a corner. Except instead of certain death, this particular corner offers $5 million and the slightest chance of restoring some stability to his family’s life. Seems like a pretty cushy corner! But Walter “I Am The Danger Who Knocks” White-Heisenberg is not interested. No siree. He’s in the Empire Business now. $5 million is small potatoes, especially compared to the $2.1 bajillion he coulda made with Gray Matter if he hadn’t got all huffy about Elliot (clearly the more attractive of the two) gettin’ busy with his girl. (Presumably.) You know how many cool hats he could buy with $2.1 bajillion? A lot. A lot of cool hats.
“I WANT MY HATS” – Walt, in the next episode, probably
Humor: Walt wasn’t all that funny himself, but he definitely gets the assist for that hilariously awkward dinner with Jesse and Skyler. If he hadn’t pressured Jesse into staying, we might have never gotten to see one of the funniest scenes in Breaking Bad history. 2 POINTS
Morality: Hey, if this whole meth thing doesn’t work out, maybe Walt should consider a career in politics! His pep talk to Jesse about “making sure [an innocent kid getting shot in the face] doesn’t happen again” had all the markings of a campaign speech: grand, authoritative statements combined with vague promises and straight-up lies meant to make him look like some sort of visionary leader. And Jesse totally bought it! (I guess he must vote Republican/Democrat/whatever political party you despise!) That is, until he overheard Walt whistling like Snow White after she lied about not being able to sleep when Dopey got shot in the face. You’re kind of a dick, Walter White! 0 POINTS
Intelligence: So yeah, not waiting for Jesse to leave before he whistled a merry tune was not so smart, and it probably was a catalyst for Jesse wanting out of the whole operation. But then Walt did some Houdini shit… with SCIENCE! Sometimes we get so distracted by the whole Walt-becoming-a-truly-evil-motherfucker thing that we forget he’s kind of a genius. 8 POINTS
Kill Count: He dismantled and presumably melted that sweet-ass dirt-bike, but unfortunately we only count human deaths. 0 POINTS
Total points: 18
Hank spent most of his time off screen dealing with HR and paperwork issues. However, we did get to see him back in the interrogation room, where he’s really in his element, what with the snarky comments and all.
Badassery: It was pretty badass the way he called Mike a clown. But then he used the clown line again on Saul, and it wasn’t as badass. Still, the man knows how to run an interrogation room, even if it’s not really an interrogation. 3 POINTS
Humor: BIG points for his Miracle Whip rant. 5 POINTS
Morality: By not manipulating his friends and family for his personal gain or, you know, murdering a child, he’s miles ahead of most people on this show in the morality department. 5 POINTS
Intelligence: He knew Saul was full of shit thanks to his legal knowledge, and he seems to be the only guy in the entire DEA who knows how to file a case properly. 3 POINTS
Kill Count: Unless the cartel decides to send a few more creepy killer mimes his way, I don’t see him killing anybody at the moment. 0 POINTS
Total points: 16
You know, the more I think about it, the more I think Todd may have been totally justified shooting that dirt-bike kid in the face. According to the news report that made Jesse all sad-face, the kid was 14, and as we all know, 8th grade is when they start teaching kids how to identify different types of train robberies. Sure, it’s early in the semester, so he might only have learned about old-timey cash heists, but would you be willing to take that risk? I sure wouldn’t. Todd’s alright by me.
Ha ha, just kidding! Todd’s the worst!
Badassery: Ugh. Todd’s not a badass – he’s a goddamn weirdo. I just can’t justify giving him any points. Now, if there were a category for creepiness, he’d score a perfect 10. I mean, he kept the kid’s tarantula, as he does every time he shoots a kid who happened to be carrying a tarantula. It’s like his calling card. His creepy, creepy calling card. 0 POINTS
Humor: His wisecrack about methylamine cat piss fell flat, so he tried to cover with a bit about how shit happens, but it provoked some loud heckling from Jesse’s heartbroken little fist. Todd really needs to work on his material. However, his speech to Walt & Co. about wanting to be a real part of their business was kinda funny, because it wouldn’t have sounded that out of place at a corporate performance review. I mean, except for the part where he said he’d kill a kid again if he had the chance. (Wait a second: he’d kill a kid again. Does that mean Flynn will accidentally witness Walt and Todd doing some illegal shit and get shot by Todd? UH OH.) 2 POINTS
Morality: Wait, I think I may have an explanation for why Todd is so messed up. Is it possible that he just went through a major growth spurt since Jesse tried to save him from his methhead parents back in season 2? If somebody can confirm this, I might be able to give him a few pity points. Until then, though, the guy is a soulless killbot. 0 POINTS
Intelligence: Todd was supposed to be “a reliable working-class guy who’s not quite what he seems.” I thought this meant he’d be kind of a normal dude, capable of doing smart things here and there, who would eventually get sucked in to the world of meth and end up killing some people and feeling maybe kinda bad about it. But nope, he’s just nuts! And he’s also a bit of a dummy! He brought a gun to a job without telling Mike, which is a big no-no, and then he seemed to have no idea why everybody was so mad at him after he shot a kid. He’s not badass, funny, or smart. Looks like the only way I’m gonna score major points of off Todd is if a junior circuit dirt-bike racetrack is built across the street from Vamanos Pest. 1 POINT
Kill Count: He probably plucked that taratunla’s legs off one by one, but again, non-human deaths don’t count. 0 POINTS
Total points: 3
Badassery: That’s right, Saul did something kinda badass for once. That whole scene with Hank was a tour de force of lawyerly bullshit, and he did it with a manly bravado we’ve rarely seen from him. I mean, he looked Hank right in the eye and THREW DOWN THE GAUNTLET. I don’t know, he just had a swagger about him in that scene, and it totally worked. For the first time all season, Saul puts some B.A. points on the board. 3 POINTS
Humor: Saul’s unexpected badassery did not come at the expense of his usual strength: comedy. “Some hurts only show on the inside,” “He’s just not that into you,” and the reference to Milton Berle’s legendary ding-dong were all choice lines, but easily the funniest moment was when he referred to Mike as a senior citizen before immediately and quietly apologizing. 7 POINTS
Morality: He’s helping his clients try and maneuver out of being held accountable for their many abhorrent crimes, sure, but… no, yeah, Saul’s totally in the wrong, still. But at least he’s not greedily pushing them into continuing their crimes the way he may have a couple seasons ago! Right? 1 POINT
Intelligence: His arguments were, legally speaking, pretty much nonsense, and everybody in the room knew it. But he presented them so artfully that it gave Hank no choice but to decide to pull back a bit on Mike, which should give him enough time to wiggle his way out of town. (That is, if Walt doesn’t stop him first.) Those countless afternoons studying constitutional law on the quad back at the ol’ University of American Samoa have certainly paid off. 6 POINTS
Kill Count: No confirmation yet that Huell has died of untreated diabetes due to Saul’s presumably non-existent employee health insurance plan. 0 POINTS
Total points: 17
Total points: 5
Bench: Gomez got clowned HARD by Mike, which probably would have given him negative points, so it’s a good thing I didn’t start him. Meanwhile, everybody else was idle.
The Fightin’ Meth-Heads: 46
Los Pollos Hermanos: 59
Los Pollos Hermanos’ victory brings the score to 3-3 heading into the final two episodes. Who will come out on top: Walt and Todd and their mutual love of being awful human beings or Mike and Jesse and their plan to half-heartedly try and stop Walt before being destroyed by his megalomania? Stay tuned to find out!
Waiver Wire: Alex has decided to drop Badger and sign Declan, the tough-looking Fring rival who wants 1,000 gallons of methylamine and all of the blue stuff off the streets. Badger will be missed, and he scored big in the one episode he’s been in this season, but the odds of him returning are slim. Lou is now at the top of the waiver wire.